Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
