He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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