how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
