i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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