I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
