I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
