You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
