so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
