I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
