there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
