Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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