sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
