I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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