I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
