my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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