1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I just found a bag of teeth...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
