i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
