why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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