Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
