Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
