At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
