The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
