I haven't been this sober since birth.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
