True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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