I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
