i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
They have beer where we have blood.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
