Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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