I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
