Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
