Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
