there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
