I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
