I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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