It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
