is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
