just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just want nice things and good sex
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
