He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
