i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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