what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
