Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
