2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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