I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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