i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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