its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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