i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
