No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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