dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
