wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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