I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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