Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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